I'm OK, you're OK | Trinity Nel
7 July 2020 · 5 min · as at 2020-07-07
Trinity Nel (guest)
Listen to the episode on iono.fm · MP3
About the guest
Trinity Nel
student leader
A student leader who gave the Edu Inc TED-Ed talk 'I'm OK, you're OK'.
In Trinity's own words:
“The first piece of advice I was given when I became a student leader was to not let other people's circumstances and situations consume me.”
Guest details come from the published episode notes or the guest's own words in the episode.
Episode analysis
Analysis by AI, drawn only from this episode; every point links to the moment it rests on.
This episode is a TED-Ed-style talk by Trinity Nel, a student leader. She argues that people who care for others risk self-negation, losing their own sense of self while consumed by other people's problems. She uses Thomas Anthony Harris's four life positions from 'I'm Okay, You're Okay' to show the helping relationships a person can land in. She then gives three self-care practices for reaching 'I'm okay, you're okay'. She draws on her own experience of becoming numb to her emotions as a student leader.
Key ideas
- Trinity argues that caring for others can pull helpers into self-negation, which she defines as the denial of evidence and existence of oneself. [01:03]▸ [01:10]▸ [01:17]▸
- Trinity says being consumed by others' problems can harm mental, emotional and physical health, possibly requiring professional intervention or medication, which she says is nothing to be ashamed of. [01:32]▸ [01:48]▸ [01:48]▸
- Trinity uses Thomas Anthony Harris's four life positions to describe outcomes of helping, from both people suffering to both emerging stronger. [01:56]▸ [01:56]▸ [02:18]▸ [02:35]▸ [02:46]▸ [03:03]▸
- Trinity presents 'I'm okay, you're okay' as the ideal position and says reaching it requires a conscious effort at self-care. [03:14]▸ [03:22]▸
- Trinity suggests that people who seem kindest or most cheerful may be the ones carrying the most pain or need. [00:09]▸ [00:18]▸ [00:23]▸
- Trinity says clearing her own mind has let her keep helping the people around her. [03:33]▸
Keeping yourself okay while helping others
- Make an effort to acknowledge and express emotions, including bad ones like doubt, sadness, regret and anxiety.
- Take time in your day to breathe: in through the nose, hold a few seconds, out through the mouth.
- Do meditation or a calming activity when possible, such as jogging, a long bath or listening to music alone.
As described in the episode: [03:14]▸ [03:49]▸ [04:14]▸ [04:25]▸
Lessons
- Trinity advises helpers not to let other people's circumstances and situations consume them. [00:29]▸ [00:29]▸
- Trinity warns that suppressing bad emotions only adds to the tension building up inside, so they should be acknowledged and expressed. [03:49]▸
- Trinity says small self-care habits are little but very important for staying motivated to keep going. [04:25]▸ [04:39]▸
- Trinity closes with a quote from an author she calls Dadinsky: be there for others, but never leave yourself behind. [04:53]▸ [04:57]▸
Who it's for
Students, student leaders and anyone who regularly supports friends or peers, and who wants a simple framework and practical habits for looking after themselves while helping others.
Facts stated in the episode
- Thomas Anthony Harris, a psychiatrist and author, wrote the book 'I'm Okay, You're Okay', which discusses four life positions. [01:56]▸
- Trinity closes with a quote she attributes to an author who goes by Dadinsky: 'Be there for others, but never leave yourself behind.' [04:53]▸
Questions this episode answers
- What is self-negation?Trinity defines self-negation as the denial of evidence and existence of oneself. She describes it as helping others until you lose all motivation and sense of self and become numb to your surroundings, which she calls extremely dangerous. [01:17]▸
- What are the four life positions in I'm OK, You're OK?Trinity cites Thomas Anthony Harris's four positions: I'm not okay, you're not okay; I'm not okay, you're okay; I'm okay, you're not okay; and I'm okay, you're okay. She explains each through the example of helping a friend named Sam. [01:56]▸ [01:56]▸ [02:18]▸ [02:35]▸ [02:46]▸ [03:03]▸
- How can I help a struggling friend without taking on their pain?Trinity describes the 'I'm okay, you're not okay' position: acknowledging the friend is not okay while staying okay yourself and helping them reach the point where they feel okay. She says the ideal is working through it together so both come out stronger. [02:46]▸ [03:03]▸
- What self-care practices does Trinity Nel recommend?She recommends three things. Acknowledge and express your emotions, including the bad ones. Take time to breathe in through the nose, hold, and out through the mouth. Do meditation or a calming activity such as jogging, a long bath or listening to music alone. [03:14]▸ [03:49]▸ [04:14]▸ [04:25]▸
- What happens if you get too consumed by other people's problems?Trinity says you can lose concern for yourself. She says it can affect your mental, emotional and physical health to the point of needing professional intervention or medication, which she says is nothing to be ashamed of but should be prevented where possible. [01:32]▸ [01:48]▸
- What advice was Trinity Nel given as a student leader?She says the first piece of advice she received was not to let other people's circumstances and situations consume her. Before that advice, she had often become numb to her emotions and ignored what her body was telling her. [00:29]▸ [00:39]▸
- Why shouldn't I suppress negative emotions?Trinity says admitting to bad emotions such as doubt, sadness, regret and anxiety isn't always pleasant. However, she says suppressing them only adds to the tension building up inside. [03:49]▸
In their own words
Longer stretches of the conversation, word for word from the transcript, turn by turn.
A student leader's slide into self-negation
Note (AI): Trinity describes from her own experience how helping others can erode the helper's own health, and defines self-negation.
Trinity Nel, guest · [00:29]The first piece of advice I was given when I became a student leader was to not let other people's circumstances and situations consume me. Before I was given this advice, I found myself on multiple occasions becoming numb to my emotions and ignoring what my body was telling me, because all I had was a voice in the back of my mind saying, "Oh, she might relapse if I …
Read the full passage (233 words, 00:29-01:54)
Trinity Nel, guest · [00:29]The first piece of advice I was given when I became a student leader was to not let other people's circumstances and situations consume me. Before I was given this advice, I found myself on multiple occasions becoming numb to my emotions and ignoring what my body was telling me, because all I had was a voice in the back of my mind saying, "Oh, she might relapse if I don't check up on her every ten minutes," or He's going through a lot right now, so don't show any form of emotion or he might feel offended. This way of thinking is a frequent occurrence to most leaders and people who just generally want to be there for others. But we need to prevent ourselves from falling deeper and deeper into this rabbit hole of self-negation. Self-negation is the denial of evidence and existence of oneself. Helping others to the point where you've lost all motivation, all sense of self, and you have become numb to your surroundings is extremely dangerous. You can become so consumed by what everyone else is going through that you lose concern for yourself. This will affect your mental, emotional, and physical health to such an extent that you may need professional intervention or medication. This, of course, is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of, but we want to prevent this from happening as much as possible.
The four life positions applied to helping
Note (AI): Trinity explains Harris's four life positions through the example of helping a friend named Sam.
Trinity Nel, guest · [01:56]Thomas Anthony Harris, a psychiatrist and author, wrote a book entitled I'm Okay, You're Okay, and it discusses the four life positions. I'm not okay, you're not okay. I'm not okay, you're okay. I'm okay, you're not okay. And I'm okay, you're okay. In the context of helping others, I'm not okay, you're not okay, refers to a situation where Sam, for example, is going through a tough time. So …
Read the full passage (181 words, 01:56-03:13)
Trinity Nel, guest · [01:56]Thomas Anthony Harris, a psychiatrist and author, wrote a book entitled I'm Okay, You're Okay, and it discusses the four life positions. I'm not okay, you're not okay. I'm not okay, you're okay. I'm okay, you're not okay. And I'm okay, you're okay. In the context of helping others, I'm not okay, you're not okay, refers to a situation where Sam, for example, is going through a tough time. So I internalize Sam's problems, and because of this, I suffer as well. I'm not okay, you're okay, is when I have helped Sam through a tough spot, and now Sam is okay, but I have taken Sam's pain and suffering and placed it upon myself. I'm okay, you're not okay, is when I acknowledge that Sam is not okay, but I'm okay, and I will stay okay while helping Sam reach the point where Sam feels okay. And lastly, I'm okay, you're okay. This is where Sam has gone through a rough time, but together, Sam and I work through the situation and come out as stronger and more positive people.
Three practical self-care habits
Note (AI): Trinity defines self-care and gives three concrete practices that let a helper stay okay while supporting others.
Trinity Nel, guest · [03:14]In order to reach this ideal position of I'm okay, you're okay, we need to make a conscious effort to take care of ourselves. Self-care is taking the time to attend to our basic physical, mental, and emotional needs. In other words, recharge our batteries. As a student leader, I have found that allowing myself to clear my mind has allowed me to continue to help the people around me …
Read the full passage (225 words, 03:14-04:46)
Trinity Nel, guest · [03:14]In order to reach this ideal position of I'm okay, you're okay, we need to make a conscious effort to take care of ourselves. Self-care is taking the time to attend to our basic physical, mental, and emotional needs. In other words, recharge our batteries. As a student leader, I have found that allowing myself to clear my mind has allowed me to continue to help the people around me who need it. Some of the things we can do to keep ourselves feeling okay are, number one, Making an effort to acknowledge and express our emotions. This is difficult, of course, because one can easily accept the feeling of good emotions such as joy and excitement, but admitting to the bad emotions such as doubt, sadness, regret, and anxiety isn't always pleasant, but suppressing these emotions will only add to the tension building up inside. Number two, taking the time out of your day to just breathe. In through the nose, hold for a couple of seconds, and out through the mouth. And finally, doing any form of meditation or calming activity whenever possible. This could be going for a jog, taking a long bath, or even sitting alone in your room and listening to music. These are all little but very important things that we should do to motivate ourselves to keep going.
Quotes
“The ones who take care of everyone else's needs are the ones who need it most,”
“the people who smile a lot may be the ones who cry when no one is around.”
“we need to prevent ourselves from falling deeper and deeper into this rabbit hole of self-negation.”
“This, of course, is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of,”
“Self-care is taking the time to attend to our basic physical, mental, and emotional needs. In other words, recharge our batteries.”
“Be there for others, but never leave yourself behind.”
What was said, by topic
Self-care for helpers
“They say the people who exhibit the most kindness have experienced a lot of pain. The ones who act like they don't need love are the ones who need it more.”
“In order to reach this ideal position of I'm okay, you're okay, we need to make a conscious effort to take care of ourselves. Self-care is taking the time to attend to our basic physical, mental, and emotional needs.”
“Number two, taking the time out of your day to just breathe. In through the nose, hold for a couple of seconds, and out through the mouth.”
“And finally, doing any form of meditation or calming activity whenever possible. This could be going for a jog, taking a long bath, or even sitting alone in your room and listening to music.”
“These are all little but very important things that we should do to motivate ourselves to keep going.”
“by an author who goes by Dadinsky, and it reads, Be there for others, but never leave yourself behind.”
Student leadership
“The first piece of advice I was given when I became a student leader was to not let other people's circumstances and situations consume me.”
“Before I was given this advice, I found myself on multiple occasions becoming numb to my emotions and ignoring what my body was telling me,”
“As a student leader, I have found that allowing myself to clear my mind has allowed me to continue to help the people around me who need it.”
Risks of self-negation
“This way of thinking is a frequent occurrence to most leaders and people who just generally want to be there for others. But we need to prevent ourselves from falling deeper and deeper into this rabbit hole of self-negation.”
“Self-negation is the denial of evidence and existence of oneself. Helping others to the point where you've lost all motivation, all sense of self, and you have become numb to your surroundings is extremely dangerous.”
“You can become so consumed by what everyone else is going through that you lose concern for yourself. This will affect your mental, emotional, and physical health to such an extent that you may need professional intervention or medication.”
“This, of course, is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of, but we want to prevent this from happening as much as possible.”
Four life positions
“Thomas Anthony Harris, a psychiatrist and author, wrote a book entitled I'm Okay, You're Okay, and it discusses the four life positions.”
“In the context of helping others, I'm not okay, you're not okay, refers to a situation where Sam, for example, is going through a tough time. So I internalize Sam's problems, and because of this, I suffer as well.”
“I'm not okay, you're okay, is when I have helped Sam through a tough spot, and now Sam is okay, but I have taken Sam's pain and suffering and placed it upon myself.”
“I'm okay, you're not okay, is when I acknowledge that Sam is not okay, but I'm okay, and I will stay okay while helping Sam reach the point where Sam feels okay.”
“This is where Sam has gone through a rough time, but together, Sam and I work through the situation and come out as stronger and more positive people.”
Acknowledging emotions
“Making an effort to acknowledge and express our emotions. This is difficult, of course, because one can easily accept the feeling of good emotions such as joy and excitement, but admitting to the bad emotions such as doubt, sadness, regret, and anxiety isn't always pleasant, but suppressing these emotions will only add to the tension building up inside.”
Episode notes (as published)
From the episode notes published with the podcast.
An Edu Inc TED-Ed talk - Trinity Nel Watch on YouTube · Edu Inc website · Facebook (Public) · Facebook (closed group) · Twitter (closed group) · YouTube · Review us on Google
Every quotation and passage on this page is copied word for word from the episode audio transcript and linked to the moment it was said. Quotations are never written or altered by AI; topic labels, passage notes and the episode analysis are AI-generated. Guest details come from the published episode notes or the guest's own words.